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Video: Love Busters: Habits that Irritate

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There are six types of love busters to be aware of in a marriage. This study focuses on annoying habits. We all have things that annoy us which are unique to our personality; this study will help you become aware of annoying habits and how they affect your marriage. Recognizing these habits is the first step to developing a plan to eliminate irritations. Getting rid of unnecessary friction will help you better relate to your spouse. This study is based on principles from the Book Love Busters by Willard Harley Jr.

“STOP IT!” Screaming these words does not show your best side- there is another way to deal with annoying situations. You and your spouse don’t want to irritate each other on a continuous basis since this leads to an unhappy marriage. A couple who want to stay in love need to understand how they affect each other. Agree to limit annoying habits. Be careful not to turn this talk into a gripe session about how annoying the other person is- remember, you want to avoid a big fight!

After gaining practical help from this study, agree to talk about things that annoy both of you. Try not to get offended by what your spouse finds annoying about you. Find a good time to talk; do not follow conflict, a time of fatigue, or crisis. To better aid your marriage, use constructive and open communication, and protect the other person’s feelings while discussing how to limit annoying behavior. Remember that most annoying habits are done innocently and not on purpose to bug you!

When you hear the term “annoying habit” what definition related to your marriage comes to mind? How do these habits affect your marriage? Are they really that big a deal?

Love Busters definition of annoying habits: “Behaviors that are repeated without much thought that bother the other spouse”. How does this compare with your definition? Each person has a different threshold of irritation for a particular behavior. Annoying habits can range from slightly annoying to quite serious; however, if this love buster is left unchecked it could turn into love lost for some people. Annoying habits are like dripping water, they may not seem like a big deal, but day after day, year after year, left untended that dripping water can forge a canyon. Don’t let your marriage be that canyon, deal with it now.
What are some of your spouse’s annoying habits? Do you know which of your habits annoy your spouse? (Limit to 2 or 3 items, you will provide a detailed list later in the study). What annoying habits have you or your spouse overcome?

There are two common reasons people continue with their annoying habits. First, you don’t feel what your spouse feels, or second you don’t care how your spouse feels towards your habits. There are two common ways of looking at this issue, depending on whether you are the one being annoyed or doing the annoying. The first is to think the other person is inconsiderate- you have explained how this bothers you but they don’t change. Why would they not change?! But when the tables are turned and we annoy others, we feel a right to persist and just be ourselves. After all, unconditional love means "accepting me as I am"! You don’t both feel the same way about the same things, so there is a lack of understanding and empathy (this is the ability to understand the situation from another’s point of view rather than your own). Both responses are motivated out of a need to satisfy self.
Does it change your identity or that of your spouse to get rid of certain habits? Why do you feel attached to your habits and feel unwilling to change?

Our habits are hard to change because we are used to acting in a certain way, which we also enjoy. We are all creatures of habit, most of our behavior is routine; however, we change a lot too. As our situation changes our patterns adjust as well. Therefore habits do not define who we are or our uniqueness. Our identity stays the same even when our behavior changes. Quite often people feel that, “I’m not trying to make my spouse feel bad, I’m just being myself. If my spouse doesn’t accept me as I am then they don’t really love me”. That being said, if something is negatively affecting your marriage isn’t it worth changing things for the better? Doing what is best for the marriage benefits both individuals in the long run.
How do you currently deal with these habits you identified? How does the way you deal with these habits aid or hurt your marriage?

Annoying habits may occur along with other love busters, creating an emotional atmosphere. Perhaps an angry outburst occurs when you lose it after experiencing an irritant. Or you may be dishonest about how a certain habit really bugs you and pretend it’s no big deal, while really it’s driving you nuts and leading you to an unhealthy place in your marriage. Disrespectful judgments are also closely linked if you say something like, “You should stop eating like a pig!” You get the idea of how these things all lead towards the demise of the marriage. The Bible is an excellent source of wisdom for all of life’s circumstances. Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger”. There is so much wisdom in this verse for your marriage; how often could hurt be avoided if you live by this verse?
Why are annoying habits so difficult to overcome? Are you ready for a plan to overcome these habits?

Consider good timing before talking with your spouse about changing each of your habits. If there are other issues in your life, such as a crisis in your home, hold off talking about annoying habits. Once you are both ready follow this plan: First, identify the problem. Make a list of each habit that annoys you. Some will come to mind quickly, others you will remember after an incident happens so it may take a couple of days to compile a complete list. Be careful, this list has a HIGH risk of causing hurt feelings. To limit unnecessary hurt, simply state the irritant without embellishing. For example write, “leaving your clothes on the floor” as opposed to “stop being so lazy and learn to pick up after yourself”. Make sure to check your list carefully and edit out hurtful statements before showing your spouse. Rate how strongly each habit annoys you by writing down a number, 10 being the most irritating. The second step is to identify the easy habits to eliminate. Discuss what would be easiest to stop and start there. This will enable more immediate success. Habits have control over us so make an effort and then allow time for each other to change.
How do you overcome the most annoying habits? How big a priority should this be for your marriage?

It’s important to understand that habits do not involve a deliberate or a conscious decision. Rather they are an automatic response. You are now ready for Step 3- select the three most annoying habits to overcome. Even if your list has only six or seven, continue with only three as your focus. Next, determine why the annoying habit exists. Here are some questions from Love Busters to determine why the habit exists. When did this habit start? What are the reasons you began this? What are the reasons you continue? How does it make you feel? How does your spouse feel about this? Have you ever tried to stop before, if so how did you try to stop? Why didn’t it work? What would work better this time? These questions help you think things through. That being said sometimes the reason for your behavior is as simple as “I’ve done it so many times, it’s a habit”. Here is truth from the Bible, Prov. 12:15. The “way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice”. Don’t be a fool, listen to others, when you accept wise advice you will be better off.
Does the thought of overcoming annoying habits seem somewhat overwhelming or tedious to you? Why do you think this is your response? Will the benefit outweigh the cost?

Habits can be overcome by replacing old behavior with new practices. A new habit is formed just as the old was- simply repeat the new, wanted behavior often enough and voila…a new habit! If that is too simplistic, here is another step for you to pursue. Change the conditions that trigger the habit. For example if your habit is to come in the house and drop your coat over a certain chair instead of hanging it up, then move the chair from its place. This causes you to think about your behavior and then hang the coat where it belongs. Try this for a week. Remember any new behavioral pattern can be uncomfortable at first, because of existing neural pathways. The more you repeat the new behavior the more comfortable it becomes as your brain completes a new neural pathway. Romans 7:19 says, “for what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.” Although your habit may not be evil, this verse carries a universal truth that it is hard to stop doing something even if we want to. Everyone has this struggle in one area or another. The Bible is a wealth of wisdom and hope for not only changing annoying habits, but gaining peace, hope and joy in life. May the “God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit” (Rom 15:13).
When will you consider an old habit successfully eliminated? Do you have a means to measure your progress

The final step in the plan, according to Love Busters, is to measure your progress. This step involves record keeping by the spouse who is experiencing annoyance. That person needs to document the date, time and circumstances of the annoying incident. Honesty is important, don’t underestimate the problem. An old habit is considered eliminated when three months have passed with no setbacks. After this has been accomplished, work on the next three annoying habits on the list. If you are thinking this is an endless cycle of replacing bad habits with better behavior then remember that by honestly discussing what bothers you, it is possible to eliminate annoyances before they become a habit. Prevention is much easier than behavior modification. Because everything we do affects the other half of a couple, take it seriously and minimize problems by making changes. Romans 14:9 says, “let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification”. What better place to make an effort towards peace than in your marriage.
Do you have any additional thoughts or comments on this study? Please feel free to ask any questions you may have.
Do you have any prayer requests? Prayer is a great source of help from a loving and caring God and His son Jesus. We’d be happy to pray with you and for you.

Millions of people around the world turn to prayer and the Bible as a source of help when dealing with difficult situations. Both offer comfort and the realization that you are not alone in this - there is hope and help. Remember, God is the ultimate source of help and He loves you just as you are. Philippians 4:6 says, "do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus".

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