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Dealing with Demands

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Video: Love Busters: Unrealistic Demands

Love Busters Article

By: Beth Scholes

There are six love busters that marriages need to be careful of. This study focuses on the difference between selfish demands and thoughtful requests. You will recognize what a demand is and how it negatively affects your relationship. This study will help gain tools to change this behavior to healthy negotiation with long term change in relating to your spouse. This study uses the principles from the book Love Busters by Willard Harley Jr.

Are you demanding and sometimes unreasonable? Since you are human the answer is probably yes at least sometimes. Do you make a request or demand a pre-determined outcome? Even if your request if justifiable to you and reasonable, how does it come across to your spouse?

Take the time to consider you spouse’s feelings and perspective and evaluate your own reaction. Negotiation is a part of every relationship, but especially important in marriage. Learn what selfish demands look like, how they affect your relationship and how to start a pattern of different behaviors. Make positive changes in your interactions now to change future interactions and bring more peace to your home and relationships.

Definition of a Selfish Demand: Commanding your spouse to do things that would benefit you at your spouse’s expense. Do you order others around? If so this is a selfish demand. Where does this lead in your relationship? What type of response does this get you?

We all want to be happy in marriage or in a state of peace. When frustration sets in demands escalate. Does this behavior have the long-term result you are looking for? Does it bring peace and understanding?
Are selfish demands a habit for you in your marriage or an unusual response? What is the difference between a selfish demand and a thoughtful request? Compare the difference between the two.

Selfish demands become instinct in a state of conflict. The demand often makes sense in the moment because of the level of frustration, therefore you act on it. Yet this comes across very different to your spouse and is quite hurtful. No one likes to be told what to do, without a choice. In order to avoid unnecessary conflict and hurt making a request and agreeing on the outcome together can make a big long-term difference.
Do you see demands as abusive behavior? Why or why not? Look deeply and honestly to evaluate this question. It may not seem abusive to you, but how does your spouse feel or respond to this behavior? How would someone looking in see this behavior?

Definition of abuse from Love Busters: deliberate effort of one spouse to cause the other to be unhappy. Do you agree with this definition? It is important to consider the other person’s feelings, even though it is likely very different than how you feel or respond to the situation. Good communication is so important and empathy,(understanding how the other person feels not how you would feel in the same situation) goes a long way.
When you make a selfish demand, does your spouse bring it to your attention? How does it make you feel when they do? How do you react to them bringing it to your attention? Does it benefit your relationship or cause further discord?

Being defensive is a typical response for most of us, but it usually does not bring about the desired affect of change and peace. Can you overlook defense mode to learn and respond for the greater good of the relationship? Throughout your entire marriage there are times to set your own agenda aside for the greater long term good of the relationship.
How does a thoughtful request bring about the desired change and keep the peace? Are you able to get the change needed with the request as opposed to the demand? Can you have a peaceful discussion and communicate your frustration without escalating to a hurtful exchange?

Above, you considered the difference between a thoughtful request and a selfish demand. A thoughtful request is: asking your spouse to do something for you with a willingness to withdraw the request if there is reluctance, and to discuss alternatives that would be in the best interest of you both. This creates an environment where you both can interact and decide on a solution together.
How can you use some rules of democracy and negotiation to help your situation? Do you believe your marriage is a democracy? What does that mean?

Negotiation defined: to arrange for or bring about through conference, discussion, and compromise. First, set some ground rules of negotiation that are safe for both of you. 1.) Be pleasant during the negotiation even if you feel your spouse is not. 2.) Make it a safe experience for both people. 3.) If you cannot agree without hurting each other, stop and come back to the issue later when emotions have settled. The Bible is a great resource for all of life’s issues. In the bible it says: 1 Peter 3:8-9: “Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.”
Do you understand or try to understand where your spouse is coming from? How can you see the situation from the other person’s perspective?

When you negotiate or have conflict, it is really important to clearly identify the problem. Respect is very important in order to move forward. Try to clearly identify the problem and come at it from the same side instead of it coming between you. Again the Bible has much wisdom: Ephesians 4:29: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Consider how you can build the other up, instead of just having a single minded agenda. Look toward long term benefit.
Have you ever tried to brainstorm solutions together? What was the outcome? What are some ways to brainstorm solutions you both agree on? Consider setting, timing, and emotional response.

It is important that you both agree and it is mutually acceptable for you both. If that is not the case, you need to keep brainstorming. There may come a time that a third party input may be helpful too. Proberbs 12:15: “The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice.” A third party could be a trusted friend, (you both agree on), a pastor, a counselor, or a life coach. Sometimes that additional perspective is really helpful in understanding not only each other, but also more about yourself.
Do you have any additional thoughts or comments on this study? Please feel free to ask any question you may have.
Do you have any prayer requests? Prayer is a great source of help from a loving caring God and His son Jesus. We’d be happy to pray with you and for you.

Millions of people around the world turn to prayer and the Bible as a source of help when dealing with difficult situations. Both offer comfort and the realization that you are not alone in this - there is hope and help. Remember, God is the ultimate source of help and He loves you just as you are. Philipieans4:6-7: Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

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