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Video: Love Busters: Disrespect and Judgment

Love Busters Article

By Beth Scholes

There are six love busters that marriages need to be careful of. This study focuses on the difference between disrespectful judgments and respectful persuasion. You will recognize what a disrespectful judgment is and how it negatively affects your relationship. This study will help you gain tools to change this behavior to healthy communication with long term change in relating to your spouse. This study is based on principles from the Book Love Busters by Willard Harley Jr.

Introduction:

Do you have a ‘fix it’ list of things you want to change about your spouse? If he/she would only just change, life would be better! Since your spouse could probably say the same thing about you, fixing each other may not be the best way to handle things. We all can see things in our spouses that need changing, but do you love them the way they are? Or are you bent at imposing your will and your way?

We have all heard someone call their spouse down in front of others in the name of “humor” or “help”, yet in reality this left the other person belittled, humiliated and embarrassed. The thing that makes it even worse is that the spouse doing the talking may even believe it was helpful or no big deal. Who needs that kind of “help”? No thanks! You don’t want to be that person.

Take the time to learn why this happens, how this affects your spouse and what is the healthy alternative, since we could all due to change in one area or another. Communication is so important; learn how to communicate through respectful persuasion as opposed to disrespectful judgments. Make positive changes for long-term peace in your home.

Definition of Disrespectful Judgment: an attempt to “straighten out” your spouse’s attitudes, beliefs, and behavior by trying to impose your way of thinking through lecture, ridicule, threats, or other forceful means.

Do you have a list of things you want to change about your spouse? Take a moment and consider what motivates this desire for change. Be honest and search your own heart, is your own agenda the bottom line? Does your spouse have a change list for you?

Sometimes in an effort to help our spouse, we often overlook the emotional reaction and needs of that person. You have an agenda and you don’t see the effect on your spouse. Since you care a great deal for your spouse, take the time to consider how your agenda is affecting your spouse emotionally. Do you both benefit, or are you feeling triumphant at the cost of the other person? If you come out feeling like you won, perhaps the other person feels as if they lost.
How do you communicate your desire for change? Do you wait for an appropriate time to discuss the change? Do you lecture each other at length when discussing issues?

Interactive discussion is a much better way to learn as opposed to lecturing or being told what to do. We all learn about ourselves and situations if we can talk, think and process during discussion rather than have a lecture thrown at us. This is true for your spouse, so before you speak, step back and consider your best means of communication. Choose wise timing, when you are both rested, uninterrupted and a time with calm emotions. It also really helps to give the other a heads up that you want to talk about _____ issue and decide together on a good time. This helps the other person have time to think about the issue as you have had time, then they won’t feel blind-sided.
Do either one of you try to impose your opinion as superior to the other? Do you ridicule or put your spouse’s ideas down? Why do you do this?

Often this may come as a result of one feeling insecure. By imposing an attitude of superiority it helps elevate an inferior self esteem. It is very subtle and may not be recognized for what it is. It really is a form of bullying and is not tolerated in other areas of life. If you feel a need to put others down to feel better about yourself, you have some hurt that needs to be dealt with. It may be time to consider getting some help from an outside source, like a counselor or trusted friend who will be honest with you. Another reason to avoid ridicule is that it is often returned then you have two hurt people trying to hurt each other, choose a different method, it will take time to change, but you can.
Do you listen to your spouse and hear them out or are you too busy trying to argue your point, interrupting and leaving little time for them to explain their position?

Having to be right often comes at a cost, first to your spouse and later to both of you in the break down of your relationship. Respecting your spouse’s ideas and concerns is so important! You need to accept that you are two different people and you will have different ways of seeing and handling things, that is what makes you better together, use this to strengthen your relationship rather than tear it apart. Use empathy (putting yourself in the other person’s position, not how you would feel, but how they feel) to gain perspective on what they may be thinking or feeling.
What are your own areas of weakness that you can work on changing? Think about this for yourself then consider what on your spouse’s fix it list for you is valid and does need to be addressed.

Often the road to change in marriage starts with looking at and working on one’s own issues, take the focus off your spouse and look at “what can I do to change and be a better spouse?” Consider what the Bible says on this topic: MT 7:3 "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, `Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? It is important to focus on what you can control and that is yourself, not someone else. Don’t come up with a huge list, that is too overwhelming, consider one or two things as a starting point and work on that for 2 weeks, then re-evaluate and keep going or choose something new. An elephant is eaten one bite at a time and so is change in a marriage, one step at a time. You will make mistakes, be patient.
Are you familiar with respectful persuasion? What does this word bring to mind when you consider it? Is this something you have tried before? How did it go for you if so, and why not if you have not?

It is important to gain agreement with enthusiasm from both people when making decisions together. When enthusiastic agreement becomes your objective, disrespectful judgments turn into respectful persuasion. You must consider the others’ feelings, interests and decisions. The more you understand your spouses’ perspective the less likely you will be to show disrespect in your own attitude and behavior.
What are some guidelines to work toward respectful persuasion? Consider what has worked in the past and what has not.

Here are four guidelines from Love Busters: First, Make your discussion safe and enjoyable. Next, express you conflicting opinions to each other with respect and understanding. Make sure you can understand and express you spouses’ point of view from their perspective, otherwise they will keep trying to explain it or give up. 3.) Explain how your opinion might be in your spouse’s best interest, and brainstorm ways to apply your opinion to your spouse in an acceptable form. 4.) If your spouse agrees with your opinion based on the results of a test, this is respectful persuasion. If the test fails to persuade, either go back to brainstorming or drop the topic. There may be value in the changes you want in each other, just be careful to consider the others’ emotional response and needs in the process. The Bible is a great source of wisdom: 1PE 3:8 Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. 9 Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing..
What can you do to change the disrespectful judgments in your marriage? What steps are you going to take in recognizing and bringing change to this area of your life?

It is important for you to recognize that each partner brings both wisdom and foolishness to the marriage. Using this knowledge to aid in understanding the other’s perspective can be a big help in bringing peace to your home. By discussing each others’ values and beliefs you can create the change needed for a better system of handling conflict. A good tool to use is; for each of you to make two worksheets, one Disrespectful Judgments and the other Respectful Persuasion. Both of you use these worksheets to record your feelings on how your spouse has used each, don’t argue about it, if one of you feels it, it is valid, try to understand that view point. Paul in the Bible talks about passing judgment: RO 2:1 You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things.
Do you have any additional thoughts or comments on this study? Please feel free to ask any question you may have.
Do you have any prayer requests? Prayer is a great source of help from a loving caring God and His son Jesus. We’d be happy to pray with you and for you.

Millions of people around the world turn to prayer and the Bible as a source of help when dealing with difficult situations. Both offer comfort and the realization that you are not alone in this - there is hope and help. Remember, God is the ultimate source of help and He loves you just as you are. Philipieans4:6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

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