Interdependency, which is behaving in ways that take each other’s feelings into account, is the healthy alternative according to Love Busters. Most of what you do in marriage affects your spouse either positively or negatively. Creating a safe enjoyable environment for both is critical by taking into account the others’ feelings regarding your choices and decisions. Willard Harley helps us understand the concept of independent behavior by looking at each spouse as an imaginary house. Each spouse has “rooms” for different areas of his/her life. For example: office room-filled with projects and furniture from the career, leisure activity room -filled with friends and activities of enjoyment, family room-filled with games and activities of parenting, the marriage room has a bed of course. Ideally your spouse should have access to each of these “rooms” and be able to have a say as to the décor, activities and communication in that “room”/area of life. With independent behavior, one spouse shuts the door to that “room” and shuts the other out of that area of life. We should not have areas in our lives that have a sign saying “access denied” to our spouse. You and your spouse should be able to freely navigate amongst each others’ “rooms” while having a say in the décor and activities that happen in each “room”.

Think of marriage as a partnership, like a business. If you own 100%, it makes sense to make all your own decisions, but if you have a partner with equal ownership you must work together, agree and make decisions mutually. Otherwise the relationship suffers and the business suffers too. This is true in marriage as well; decisions need to be mutual for the best productivity of the marriage.

It is important to note that independent behavior is instinctive. It is the natural “go to”. Independent behavior is sneaky and enters the relationship under the radar; most couples are unaware as to the destructive nature of this love buster on their marriage. A common misconception is that it strengthens the marriage, after all no one wants to feel trapped or suffocated. Any threat to this “freedom of choice” is considered controlling and manipulative. Another reason for independent behavior is that they believe they should be blindly trusted in their decisions. They actually consider it disrespectful if their spouse questions their decisions. This all stems from selfishness and an innate sense of pleasing ones’ self, even at the cost of the spouse. When you ignore your spouses’ feelings and interests you are eroding the love you have for each other and destroying your emotional bond.

Our selfishness can become like a defense attorney, always prepared to defend and explain why what you do is reasonable behavior. The problem is, in order to be balanced, you also need a defender for your spouses’ rights as well and selfishness does not allow for that. Some people feel that if the door is closed on a certain “Room” then the spouse is not invited to participate, then it doesn’t affect the other person. That is not true EVERYTHING you do affects each other. Singleness and making all your own decisions left when you got married. Make sure you consider your spouses’ feelings in your decisions. The Bible has a verse related to this: Prov 14:12 There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death. In this case it would be the death of a relationship. The Bible is a true source of wisdom in every situation we face.

There are two steps that can create interdependence in your marriage. First, is the policy that Dr. Harley calls radical honesty: Reveal to your spouse as much information about yourself as you know, your thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, dislikes, personal history, daily activities, and plans for the future. This rule throws the door open to all those “closed rooms”, allowing access to previously unknown areas. The second, step from Love Busters is: the policy of joint agreement: never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse. This sets manipulation to the side, if either is not enthusiastic you must re-negotiate what you are discussing. Do both of you approve all that happens in the others rooms? If not, each issue is open for discussion, so that each room will eventually contain activities you both enthusiastically accept. The process will take time and involve some hurt and frustration, here is some more wisdom from the Bible. Job 6:24-26 24 "Teach me, and I will be quiet; show me where I have been wrong. 25 How painful are honest words! But what do your arguments prove?

Part of this transition away from independent behavior is to ask yourself how your spouse would feel when you make decisions. If both spouses consider how the other feels, and asking when they are uncertain, this will create mutual compatibility. Once you make a decision to open your rooms to each other, you need some tools aid in the transition. Successful negation will become a big part of your life together. In the beginning you will have more conflict than previous as you learn together to navigate this new part of your relationship, this is a normal part of the process. Done the right way conflict will rise often but be dispensed quickly, not allowed the opportunity to build and blow. Marriages fail because couples don’t know how to negotiate when faced with conflict.

Negotiating conflict is a challenge here are some guidelines that Dr. Harley presents, that will help: 1.) Set ground rules to make your discussion pleasant and safe. Agree together at the beginning to both work at being pleasant and kind, avoiding angry outbursts, disrespect and selfishness. If the conversation escalates, agree to set it aside and come back to it when emotions have calmed. Prayer can make a big difference in that moment of conflict too. Stop and pray together, this can add new perspective and its own calming effect. Philippians 4:6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. The unique thing about prayer is, it is available anytime for any reason and you are guaranteed that God hears you in that moment. 2.) Introduce the conflict and try to understand each other’s perspective. How do each of you feel, what would you like to see happen, can this work out enthusiastically for both? Beware of being disrespectful and critical while you justify it as honesty.

The compatibility that you had on your wedding day needs to be cultivated and fostered over the years or it will be destroyed. The third step in the action plan is to brainstorm with abandon. For most couples it is not easy to find a mutually satisfying solution, you need to allow some time to problem solve. You may need to carry around a pen and paper for a couple of days and write down possibilities as they occur to you; keeping in mind both perspectives. Then have another discussion about the possible solutions you have both come up with. Step 4.) Find the solution that provides a mutually enthusiastic agreement. In this step you can check each other’s lists and discuss the best solution. Keep in mind that you may not find a solution, and the issue may remain unresolved. The conflict resolution process is more important than the conflict itself. In the end conflict is not really resolved unless both people agree to the solution with enthusiasm. The Bible refers to agreeing together. 1 Cor. 1:10 I appeal to you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought. Wouldn’t that be wonderful to be united in mind and thought with your spouse, which will limit division between you? This passage refers to “our Lord Jesus”, if you do not know Jesus as Lord and how knowing Him would aid you I life, ask your mentor now.

Millions of people around the world turn to prayer and the Bible as a source of help when dealing with difficult situations. Both offer comfort and the realization that you are not alone in this - there is hope and help. Remember, God is the ultimate source of help and He loves you just as you are. Philipieans4:6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.